Friends and thoughts

I took a few minutes to lock away the scene that had just played out, something in my chest jumped at the fleeting memory of it. Taking a few deep breaths and grinning to the bored and unhappy bouncer I reentered the club.

A side of me hoped to see her again inside. Some passing glances to share or perhaps just to view her dancing, the way she would sway. There was a tinge of disgust in myself for wanting to see her as part of the writing mass but I found that I could quickly come to peace with that. Sadly my vigilant hunt yielded no game. Only the simple prey scampering and hiding here and there were found.

The evening ended with Hank texting my phone, the vibrations being the first thing I felt in that latter half of the evening aside from the pounding on my eardrums. “Outside now” it read. The crowd was thinning and didn’t offer me much resistance as I weaved my way out. Hank was pulled up on the side of the road, the passenger door facing me and his smirk filling the window.

“Have fun?” he asked as I climbed in.

Fastening my seatbelt and quickly looking up to let him catch the glint that I was trying to show in my eye. “Indeed.”

His smirk faded quickly. “You actually met someone.”

I was too happy to care how flat he said it or how concerned his face had shifted into.

“You met a girl you,” he searched the air for a word, “enjoyed?”

“Is that so hard to believe?” my smile could have been wider but that would be physiologically improbable.

“It's not that,” He was interrupted by a tap on the window. A meaty bouncer with a shaved head, how typical, was giving him the “get the fuck out of here” look. He shifted into gear and started off. “You met a girl you wanted to bang, talk shit with or laugh after sex with.”

“Surprising, I’d think you would’ve just called it fucked or fucking.” He was beginning to irritate me so I snapped back a little harder than I should have.

“First of all, shove it up your ass. Secondly, the definition of what you want is very important here.” The jovial look he typically had on his face would have been acceptable but that he was coming down on me the way my mother or father would was really burning my patience. On top of it all, the fact that he was doing so after I spent so long watching him please his hedonistic side night after night without my disapproval for his decisions.

“I met a girl and had a miserable time having my ears beaten to a shadow of their former selves.”

“You just don’t get it.”

“You just wanted to enjoy watching me fail night after night and go crawling back to Rebecca.”

“See you’re almost right. I just wanted you going back to her in the end cause she seems good for you. Or am I wrong?”

“You’re not but what does that have to do with meeting a girl.”

“Depends on if you want to fuck her or not.” He cussed with extra emphasis, splashing me with his spit on the hard k.

“Because I might cheat on Rebecca with this new girl?” Not that I hadn’t imagined it. I’m just too much of a coward to act on any of it.

“Almost, if it was just sex it could easily never have happened. If you were dumb enough to actually like her and deal with it the wrong way you’d be committing emotional adultery.”

 The orange street lights blinked past the car, each one bathing us in its glow for moments before shadows climbed over our faces escaping the following bulb’s light. Most of the night was gone and with it went the majority of motorists. We drove alone on the streets, our car’s lonely pilgrimage down roads that would be filled with anxious and desperate drivers within several hours.

The words clung to my mind. They were not foreign to me though that they streamed from Hank’s mouth was a bit of wonder. It had occurred to me that I would or did feel this way about the girl but no one know how anything is going to transpire.

               I sighed and admitted the single detail that would result in my defeat, “I never got a number.”

               Hank didn’t laugh. I would thank him for that if he hadn’t made me spoil what had been an interesting evening. “No name either?” The man was being thorough.

               “Not a real one.”

               The sound of the motor humming filled the air along with the gentle whoosh of each lamppost that we past. I traced the edge of the armrest and kept my sight on the road ahead of us. Had the radio been on this silence would be more bearable.

               “Sorry, it just needs to be this way.”

* * * * *

               Each day at work I found myself thinking of Rebecca and Seattle Blue alternatively. With each came a different rush of emotion.

Rebecca would fill me with a sense of peace and some aggression. The softness of her smile and the joy of her laugh made me miss her. But these thoughts always ended with scenes from dinner, from each of the glares that she’d given me and then that tearful and determined last image I had of her face. When I thought of her, I considered calling and checking in at least twice before deciding that not enough time had passed.

Seattle made me feel like I was in high school again. That floating feeling you get when someone you have a warm and sudden affection for provides you with a taste of their attention. The added bonus that she was funny and playful, not to mention sexy. At the thought of her being sexy a wave of guilt would rush over me, followed quickly by a rush of excitement for something new and forbidden. I will admit to being a man who has lived little.

So it went that I would spend each day at work thinking of these two girls. But with time passing the prospects of speaking to each again dimmed. Seattle more than Rebecca but each pulled away from me just the same.

By the first weekend after meeting Seattle I received a phone call that I eagerly snatched up in hopes that it would be an unknown number or possibly Rebecca.

Instead it was my father who I hadn’t spoken to since the last argument we’d had and left on bad terms. Rebecca had been there and for all the grief I give her over her family, each time something happens, mine surprises and makes me ashamed for ever pointing a finger.

“Hey dad.” I try to sound as detached as possible.

“Son.” He pauses for a moment and with a deep breath continues, “Things aren’t going well.”

Gyrating and wit

A week passed quietly by as I tried to live as comfortable as possible. At hank’s insistence, I spent several evenings in his company as we strolled through the lively strip of bars and clubs like a couple of lost pups. We stopped into a few but generally he behaved himself in the first week. He allowed me to get out of the house but didn’t force me into a position where I’d have to find my own way home while he slipped his tongue down some girl’s throat.

The second week was not as docile. Hank began returning to his hound dog ways and I stood by, a witness to debauchery and lewdness. What girls did come my way were sent away by my grim expression and tone, the social pariah that I was channeling allowing me spare room to sit in observation.

By the end of the second week Hank decided it was time to let me “roam on my own” and turned me loose at the entrance to a club where he’d found the most satisfying prey. That he “cut me loose” was humorous considering the whole week’s worth of women he left me behind to woo. Each time he returned to water his wall flower with a glass of dark liquor. I would nurse these gifts until his eventual return. With a swift grab the glass would disappear from my grasp and slip down his gullet. Every night ended with him laying face up in the back seat as I drove his car home.

               This night he dropped me off and vanished from sight. I paid the ten dollar cover charge and walked in. The music that sounded like tribal drumming from the outside turned out to be a thunderous roar of pop music that denied the other senses their turn. Sticking my finger in one ear and reducing the booming world to half a dull thud I regained the use of my other senses.

               The room smelled like a gym sock that had been urinated on mixed with a flare of spicy wing sauce. Each step of mine was peeled from the floor boards as the residue clung to me like a nagging child wailing and clutching as I escaped its feral need. My eyes watched lights dance off the walls, shimmering then casting themselves upon the bodies writhing on the floor. Each a dark silhouette against a colorful and psychedelic backdrop. Each person moved like an amorphous blob, their limbs struggling for a sense of balance and place. They moved against each other in attempts to merge blob forms and create a unified super blob but with little success. I watched for a few moments before concluding that I would not be joining the pulsating mass regardless how proximate the women needed to be to the men near them. I wondered if any of them were inside each other and not only in the sexual sense.

               I unplugged my ear and descended back into sensory deprivation. This would become a physical trial of sorts. The endurance of my body would be tested against the ethanol fueled youth that pervaded this establishment.

               Before ten minutes were up I found myself rushing out the back door of the place where the smokers retreated to draw deeply of other fumes before climbing back into the sonic womb. My ears physically hurt and drummed with blood rushing back to replace the space left by a deep and invasive bass line.

               I pinched my nose and tried to pop my ears. Sadly the pressure that had built up was completely sound related and so I stood looking like a boy about to beat his breath holding record.

               “How muffled do I sound?”

               The voice was feminine and contained withheld mirth. Turning I met its source. A lovely tall auburn haired woman with pretty eyes and a wide smile still holding back laughter.

               “There’s a slight ringing but I can hear you fine.”

               She smirked and tilted her head up inquisitively, “How long were you in there for?”

               “Oh I don’t know, five maybe ten minutes.”

               “Was it the oppressive altar to pop music or the orgy of chafing and mass dry humping?”

               A wicked smile snaked onto my face. “I was getting a stink eye from the gonorrhea and syphilis sitting in the corner booth.”

               “As long as some herpetic beast didn’t grind its blistered mass against you, which would be unfortunate.”

                “Did a phallus try to stiffly offer you some drinks?”

               “With the amount of alcohol in their veins I’d be surprised if their dicks didn’t catch fire when they beat off to the girls that didn’t come home.”

                I became conscious of my mouth hanging open for the first time and snapped it shut. “Sidney,” I began.

               “Seattle.” She stated before I could finish my greeting.

               Confused I paused for a moment and considered the oddness of the name. “I haven’t met someone so ruthless yet.”

               She smiled and laughed a bit, probably at something I didn’t know or understand. “Not normally but I haven’t really enjoyed the venue, plus you kept raising the bar.” She thought for a moment then stated, “Blue.”

               The strangeness of the manner which she ended the sentence intrigued a quirky side of me. “Green.” Then I continued, “Why are you here then?”

               Several moments passed then she raised an eyebrow and shook her head at me as though my sentence were incomplete. “Going to take your turn or are you passing?”

               “My turn at what?”

               She tilted back as though I had surprised her. Whatever turn I was taking or passing on was lost on me. “We’re not naming favorite things then?”

               “When did that start?”

               She squinted slightly, studying me. “When you said Sidney. Like a favorite city.”

               A laugh tore out of my mouth before I could prevent its escape. I worried that I had offended her but she stood in good humor.

               She began nodding to herself, “Sidney’s your name.” her teeth flashed in another smile.

I became aware of how pretty she was suddenly, the laugh breaking me from the trance of conversation. She wore a grey jacket over a strapless top the color of a swimming pool with a texture to match a small wake in the waters. The top of her moderate bust was revealed, sprinkled with a collection of freckles. She wore tight jeans that hugged her thighs snugly. She looked partially dressed for comfort and somewhat dressed for looks. That she wasn’t wearing a skirt or pants so tight that they showcased her claim to female anatomy garnered some respect.

               “Indeed it is.” I felt my cheeks heat at this. It had been some time since I’d blushed.

               “Thank you for the banter and awkward moment Sidney.” She smiled one more time and began walking inside.

               “Returning to the altar?”

               She turned and regarded me for a moment, something kept close in those eyes. “Leaving, I allow myself one embarrassing moment.”

               Something inside me told me to let her go away but I ignored it and persisted. “Only the one?”

               She laughed softly and shook her head as though I’d done something unbelievable and, I hoped, cute. “If I see you again.” She stood for a moment awaiting another question. I thought of many but settled on one more.

               “What’s your name then?”

               Mischievously she answered, “Seattle Blue.” Swinging her purse to and fro.

               I released the hold on her by waving and saying, “Goodnight Seattle Blue.”

               She took a deep breath and gazed at me from far behind those kind eyes and replied as softly as she had started it all, “Goodnight Sidney Green.” 

Friends and lagomorphs

“You called her a bitch? That was fucking dumb.”

Stranded at the Cheesecake parking lot I called Hank to pick me up. We now sat in the car, me weaving the tale and him critiquing it.

“It’s just been building up I guess.” I was pinching and massaging the bridge of my nose trying to undo the headache that was breaking ground in my skull.

Hank silently drove on.

“Just all this shit with her family and mine plus the money.” I trailed off.

Hank grinned knowingly and switched hands on the wheel.

“You can blow me.”

He looked over at me with his grin smeared from ear to ear. “Ten minutes you’ve been in the car and you haven’t made one dumb ass joke.”

I rolled my eyes and stared out the window, “I get serious when I get stressed.”

“No amigo, you get serious when you deal with people you don’t like. I’ve said this shit to you before so we’ll see if it sticks this time.”

I watched a family pull up in a burgundy van beside us. The father wore a bristly moustache and seemed ready to leap screaming from his car. The children sat in the back of the van flailing limbs and glowing under the glow of the headrest video set. Their mouths hung open and I could just imagine the sounds they produced.

“Are you going to call her?”

That man looked like he wanted nothing to do with the world he lived in.

“Eventually.”

“Is her mom staying with her?”

The light turned green and the van sped away, the father must be desperate to get home.

“I don’t think so. Rebecca’s place isn’t very comforting for Lady Agatha. Not to mention she’d probably kill her mom before the night is out.” I knew she wouldn’t though.

“So what do you want to do now?” Hank’s voice carried mischief.

“Nothing that doesn’t include me sleeping for work tomorrow.”

We drove for a while in silence. Hank’s mystery offer sounded enticing after a botched dinner but I wasn’t interested in watching him talk to girls. I was in no mood to play wallflower to his social slut.

He dropped me off at my car just outside of Rebecca’s place. Before he pulled away he rolled down the window and gave me a serious look and commanding finger wag. “Don’t do anything else dumb tonight.”

I looked at him and raised an eyebrow. My keys were already in my hands and jingling.

“You know exactly what I’m talking about Sid. Call me tomorrow after work, you could use company.”

“I’ve got Sam.”

“Yeah. Call me tomorrow.” With that he accelerated hard and disappeared around the corner the sound of his muffler echoed its loud hum for a minute more before also vanishing into the night.

I looked at my car and tossed the keys from hand to hand. My feet turned and took me instead to where I didn’t want to go.

Rebecca answered the door slowly. From the dim light of the hall I could see her eyes were bleary and red with the remainder of the evening written in them.

“What.” Her voice was like grating stones and her lips quivered. I must have just caught her in the middle of it.

“I wanted to apologize.”

Her strength slowly gathered. “Okay.” She stood there, her body remembering itself and straightening.

“I’m sorry.” This wasn’t what I had planned to say but it came out naturally.

“Me too.”

That response I had not expected. “Come again?”

Her jaw clenched and she said nothing.

“Anyways I wanted to see if you were alright.” My hands were alternating being inside my pockets and being against my hip. It felt like I was asking her out for the first time again.

“I’m fine.” I wondered why she had to be so strong and brutal with me and me alone but didn’t voice the question.

My feet rocked back and forth as my mind searched for something else to say or do. Kissing was out of the question, maybe a hug. Should I ask to come in, walk away. My hand wanted desperately to touch hers but kept its fidgety self at my side.

“Go home.” Her voice was so flat when she said it. The marks on her face from her tears were gone. She had willed them away. She wanted to will me away.

A moment passed where I just stood watching her, my hands and feet had stopped their anxious idling. She was a marvel to me and so frustrating. Words and phrases streamed before my eyes like a teleprompter but I didn’t find the voice to air them. I wanted to be a lot of things at that moment but all I could do was walk away.

The door clicked closed behind me and I didn’t break my retreat. Each step was surprisingly easier as though I’d walked away from what could have been a hard situation.

“A hard situation.” I muttered. Every hard situation I had faced before and yet each one that dealt with us I found myself either whimpering away with my tail between my legs or just throwing my hands up in defeat.

As I sat in my car, I allowed a moment of quiet to pass before starting the engine. The creaking of the night with its ambient noises was so peaceful. Cold air had taken refuge in the cab so I found myself shivering as I turned the key. My phone vibrated in my pocket and I considered not looking at it. Images of Rebecca sniffing while on the phone sent my hand into the pocket to retrieve the device.

“You’re a fucking idiot.” Was all that it said. The message was from Hank.

I banged my head once into the headrest and put the car into reverse. In the best Impersonation my car can do, I stormed out like I had seen Hank do minutes before.

* * * * *

I opened the door with a push, allowing it to swing slowly before tapping the wall. The air was warm inside and the noise of the bedroom fan tapping back and forth was audible from the front. Small thumps came from just inside. Sam was awake and looking for me.

Closing the door and doffing my shoes I walked over to Sam’s enclosure. She stood on her back legs and stared up at me. Her long ears hung down over her back like straight hair and her nose twitched furiously. Her white face watched me curious and expectantly.

There was a box nearby her cage where I hold all of her food and treats. I dug around for a piece of parsley and handed it to her. Tearing it from my grasp she hunched over and chewed furiously, devouring the long stem like a piece of spaghetti.

Sam is my Lop eared rabbit. I acquired her when I was in college while she was a kit, raised and trained her. The soft white and brown spotted fur that keeps her warm provides me with a place to rest my hand. Of course I do this at her insistence. She does love to be pet.

As she eats I open the door for the enclosure. Then I walk to the kitchen to get a glass of water before I collapse on my futon and think about the evening one more time before bed.

Sam finishes the parsley and sniffs the rim of the doorway. She hops our and shakes her body. Probably loosening up before scampering around my living room like a wild beast. The sight of her moving quickly along the rug conjures the scene at the restaurant.

With the glass of water in hand and the evening freshly restored to the fore of my mind I toss my body limply into the couch. The glass is cool so I press it to my temple. The headache that had begun surfacing before remained a constant, although dim, presence in my head.

Sam wheeled around the room before standing before the futon. Standing on her hind legs she gazed up at me. The gaze may be intended for my hand actually. With a pat to the cushion, she jumps up and sits beside me. My hand returns to my lap and my eyes close. If only I could will this headache away the way Rebecca probably could.

There’s a grunt as a head prods at my palm. Sam is attempting to draw some affection from me no doubt. Absently my hand strokes her slowly, grabbing the long ears on their way down her back. After several passes her body lowers.

I open my eyes to see her lying beside me, her head resting on the cushion, her back feet thrown out to the side. A smile curls from my lips.

Returning to my thoughts I go over the night in my head again. From the hostile meeting to the hide and go seek of the menus to the dinner itself. I try to hold the scenes of us three at the table in my mind’s eye. It’s difficult considering the overwhelming amount of distraction about to occur. I can hear Agatha’s words clear as day, the malice in them as she whispered loudly to Rebecca. With my keen sense of hindsight I can tell that she was goading me into a confrontation.

“It happens the same way each time.” I tell Sam, “She speaks through the serpents in her hair. She draws you, enrages you to look upon her. As your eyes meet hers you learn in that moment that she has you. And poof! Petrifaction.”

Sam’s ears tilt forward at poof.

“I just reacted too quickly this time, too harshly.”

Sam’s nose twitched slowly.

“Last time was about the same, minus bitch.” I took a deep breath before continuing to complain to my rabbit, “She pushed me into starting the fight then played victim and unleashed a flurry of verbal blows. Then Rebecca and I fought on the way home and saw each other the next day and apologized for rudeness and family.”

Sam began to lick the cushion sheet.

“Not this time. I may have crossed the line this time with that bitch thing. At least I think that’s what it was.” I thought about it for a moment, “But she’s called her mom a bitch before. In front of me once.” Another pensive second passed, “Maybe it’s because I did it? But that woman has eaten whole babies, sucking down the umbilical cord and slurping the placenta. It is the method she uses to stay so youthful looking. By absorbing their lack of age.”

I laughed at the visual of her consuming a child then noticed Sam beginning to chew the sheet. Pushing her bottom I made a hissing sound that sent her bouncing from the futon.